It takes courage
by Alice'sAbbey
Summary: Set during Series 3 and 4. Therefore it will contain some spoilers x. When John is released from prison he needs some time and a lot of understanding to find himself back at Downton. Anna has to face an even more difficult journey after her rape. Their injuries heal but it needs time.


**Fic Title: It takes courage**

**A/N:** I love Anna and John Bates and I am still shocked by the events of the 4th series. With reading fanfiction and writing this fic I try to heal myself.

Thanks a lot to Small Hobbit for the beta and Vaysh for your passion for fanfiction.

Enjoy, and please leave a review.

**Disclaimer:** John, Anna, and Downton Abbey don't belong to me. / I don't own _Downton Abbey_. It belong to Julian Fellowes

*I used the original lines by Julian Fellowes. I have no rights to those words or the characters.

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. - e.e. cummings

He remembered their first kiss in the courtyard and his first attempt to kiss her there which was interrupted just in the moment where their lips should have met. He remembered a stolen kiss on the stairs and her kiss on Valentine's Day. He remembered so many more of her shy, confident, loving and passionate kisses. He was happy he could not remember all their kisses because there were so many of them.

She did not kiss him anymore. He could hold her hands and hear her breathe in their bed. The first time she was back in their shared bed neither could sleep the whole night. They could not talk either. Long after midnight he got up and entered the kitchen. He made some tea. Anna was also wide awake and so she got up too, started the fire and joined him in the kitchen. She did not make any contact with his body but when he gave her the tea she touched his middle and forefinger. He began to read and she began to knit and when the sun started to rise they both slept in their living room.

The nights afterwards remained difficult.

In his mind he often went back to the times after he came out of prison. He was shattered, damaged at this time. He was so deeply happy when they met in front of the prison. He just couldn't believe it. He was back to freedom and she was to be thanked and she was again waiting for him. He gave her such a grateful kiss.

But he needed some time to adapt. His body needed some time to heel. This first evening he nearly couldn't bear it that she touched him. It was terrible that they couldn't share a room this night but otherwise he was so happy about it. He wanted her so much but he had had to build strong walls around him so nobody could hurt him in prison. But they did hurt him, they punched him and dragged him down. He was glad not to be young anymore, but to be old and hobble wasn't good either. In the prison they made him feel again like he was only a piece of dirt, a cripple with only death ahead.

When he first came to Downton he thought he would perhaps find a job. But arriving at Downton started feelings in him that he had lost in the war and which he thought he had lost forever. It started in the train. He was sad and hopeless. He was sure he would get sacked in the first week, but there was also a new feeling. When he looked at the blue sky and the clouds he found himself thinking about old stories about friendship. His heart jumped when his Lordship came downstairs to welcome him and it began to beat slightly differently when he saw Anna for the first time in his life. When she had brought the tray he was too engaged in his own feelings and slightly ironically said: *_"We can't have that."_ But afterwards he couldn't forget her sad eyes and he forgot for a moment his troubles with his Lordship and thought about kissing this nearly unknown woman.

This first week was a wild switchback and afterwards he couldn't ignore that he felt something good. He slowly began to love her and became aware that other people downstairs saw him as a valuable and loyal workmate. John could not remember when he had decided to close his heart forever, but to open it up again hurt and doing so began to cause so much pain and raised questions about the past in him. Without Anna he was sure he would have chosen to run but if he had fled all this he would have lost her. So he found the strength and courage to fight and she gave him her love and a kiss to take with him on his last walk down but he didn't. He did not die but he arrived in hell. His new heart was packed with hope and love and pictures of a golden future and the next moment he found himself trapped in this filthy hole and he had to put everything good in a very deeply buried place. He buried the Downton John and another one came back – the one he knew from the war and his first time in prison. They both lived in him. The first one wrote letters to Anna and his Lordship and read the returning ones. This one saved his soul and could kiss her when she visited him. The other John saved them both again and again. He felt like an old and very wounded man when they gave him back his clothes. He walked slowly to the entrance of the prison. He did not allow his hopes to come back, not yet. He would not have survived it when the door was not opened.

Anna was there and he could embrace her in his best clothes. He forgot everything when he kissed her in his new freedom, but this first night he screamed and rose from sleep soaked in sweat. Before that he had held Anna in the evening in the yard but to be honest she was holding him. He wanted to be strong for her but he was so weak.

He loved to touch her but it was difficult to endure even her gentle touch. When she touched his skin, when he felt her breathe on his neck - he saw Craig or the guard or some other dark wretched creature. Anna disappeared and instead a stained curtain dropped and he was standing on the stage and a prison play was acted. He was shaken. He tried to reinhabit his life but he had changed. He had had to be capable of things in the last months within the prison that he never wanted to do. John knew things about men he never wanted to know. It was like coming back again from the war. All you want is your old life back and the people and surroundings are still there but you do not get them back because of one reason - you have changed. But this time he also wanted to come back to Anna and so he had to find his warm heart again and when most of the servants, Mrs. Hughes and Mr. Carson gave such a warm welcome to him he saw his path through all of it and he decided that he could use this Prison Bates for proper things.

Anna was a little bit shocked when he came back from prison. She had known him always as strong and now he was in such a fragile state. She was full of joy and he was full of anxiety and fright. She was worried and hurt. He even flinched at her one time when she was touching him. She was missing him so much when he was in prison but it was even worse now. She did not know what to do. One late afternoon she dropped the whole button box and Mrs. Hughes offered her help and Anna started to cry and they ended up in Mrs. Hughes office. The words were pouring out of here: "Mr. Bates is absent. He kisses me but he does not really come near to me. I am so sorry to bother you Mrs. Hughes. I should leave. I …" "Dear Anna of course not. I am happy to speak with you. You both looked lost this last week and now I understand why. It sounds like Mr. Bates is trapped in worlds between, but I am sure, my dear, he doesn't want to be there. He will need some time to reach Downton and to be your husband again. You were with us the whole time Anna and you know how devastated you were every time you came back from this dreadful place. He was there the whole time. Make him believe in your love. I will go to Mr. Carson and ask him if he can get Mr. Bates something to do in our world. That will help."

John felt at home definitely on the day they went to see the cottage. It wasn't cosy, at least it was not wet. There was a lot to do and anger arose in him as to why there was always so much to do, why there was no free time in a tidy place with his wife. His wife. He did not want to think about work that had to be done or things that happened to him or them. He just wanted her. He was happy that the sofa broke so they could have a laugh and he cooled down a little bit but not totally. The room was a mess but they wouldn't get any more privacy for the next week. They had brought nothing with them and they had only two hours left.

His jacket was some use but not afterwards. They both were used to small places and secrecy. He kissed her neck and the beginning of her breast and loosed slightly her corset. Anna only had to open his trousers and they were falling into a deep kiss and when he caressed her small and warm lips she felt so good that he just couldn't stop. Anna was surprised and grinned. He was never that fast before but it wasn't too fast. She was so pleased to have him back. They both screamed a little. They had never heard each other before in their pleasure and Anna and John knew that they would love this cottage. It would give them a great gift - privacy.

They got to know each other even better in their first home and developed a smooth everyday routine and they both loved this secure feeling. They were starting to make new and happy memories and after a number of weeks they outnumbered the memories of his whole life. They tried to make the most of their days together. Because of that they would wake up together, he to make the coffee, she to make the toast and sometimes there was enough time to eat something of her sweetness and to taste his saltiness. Sometimes they really had to hurry to the Abbey and John was lucky with his leg. It didn't bother him so much anymore. On a busy day he could only drink some of her smiles but on a calmer one her hands found his hair und he could sneak a kiss to her neck. John always loved reading in the evening to discover some other world than his small one and now they discovered that his chair was a great comfort for his knee when Anna was laying in the chair and was kissing him. He had the feeling he knew every small bit of her skin, her tiny toes, toned legs, their small curls, soft belly and her wonderful strong breasts and all the space between. But he wanted to be sure he really knew everything and he tried to find out as much as he could about her. Anna was feeling so self-confident. She now understood what Lady Mary meant about the new knowledge of a married woman. She loved to get to know John Bates in all this ways. He sometimes surprised her in his passion and she sometimes surprised herself and in all that he stayed her closest friend. Anna was also surprised when she started to get annoyed with some of his habits but afterwards she was always so glad that she knew him so well now and then directly afterwards she was annoyed again. He made her smile every day and she made him grin some nights.

Scotland came by surprise. The summer vacation was a well-loved tradition for the Grantham family but the World War had changed everything. The household hadn't been to Duneagle Castle for so long. It was like the first time and so everything was a little chaotic and agitated and nothing was quite in the right place. Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes tried to keep the excitement low but that was a really difficult task. So Anna and John were very busy in the week before the traveling. Lady Mary was eight months pregnant and so Anna had a lot of extra work to do. She even slept for one night at the Abbey again because it was much too late to get back to the cottage. They both looked forward to Scotland but they could not inhabit a shared room or cottage at Duneagle. They were separated once again and John wasn't in a good mood about that. He loved Scotland and the environment but this new household meant a lot of questions about married lady's maids and valets with canes and what they can or cannot manage. He wanted a real holiday and this would not become one. So he was at least happy about the picnic and a little bit irritated because of the beer and the little secret Anna kept from him. It was a wonderful afternoon with some kissing and some hiding beneath trees but no time for real privacy. When she danced on this last happy day in Scotland it was like his heart would melt forever. *_She was marvelous_ and now he was sure he even loved her little secrets. They were both looking forward to Downton and their promised day off but hours after he arrived so many hopes were tumbling down. For some weeks Anna almost every night slept in the Abbey or she came back exhausted and full of sadness. The autumn turned into winter.

He had failed in everything, but the worst part was, that he had failed her because of Vera. John had smelled trouble, felt unease and he knew that Green was up to no good. Anna and he had stretched the boundaries for servants when he brought her the tray or even when they kissed in the courtyard but Green violated those boundaries with his looks and smiles. He failed Anna because he did not talk to her. They talked about everything and on this day she laughed and smiled and she was in such good mood and he was not the cause of it. For so many weeks they had all lived in the fog of Lady Mary's grief. Anna had to get up first in the morning because Lady Mary did not seem to sleep at all. John came later because his Lordship did not sleep either well. They had had no day off since Scotland, only some hours to run errands. The happiness was drowned away once again and he had done for Anna what he could do and gave Moseley the money and that had made her smile. But it felt for the first time since eons that Anna was laughing out loud and this strange Mister Gillingham was around the whole time. Yes of course he was jealous and he was furious at himself because of Vera and her laughing at dirty games came to his mind again and again. He could not believe that he had shouted on Anna. That was the first time in public and when they got into a fight at home it could be tough but it was soon over and at least they always kissed after it. On this day he felt like he was back in his former life of shame and shouting. John tried to relax at the concert and he did not follow Anna to give her some privacy although all he wanted was to follow her and apologise for his behavior. But it would have been a little bit odd and Mr. Carson would have minded and he stayed and there was nothing in his whole life what he regretted more. He had hoped so much that the time of regrets was over and there he was in the deepest mist where he could not see anything. He only saw that he had failed the one he loved most.

After he knew he changed completely his behavior. After he knew he was totally lost and tried to comfort her in every possible way. After he knew …

Now it was time for Anna to wake up in the night. She was sweating or screaming and weeping. After their first uncomfortable night together in their marriage bed he did not sleep there again. Anna needed her room. She missed him but could not have him around her. Not yet. After some nights he knocked at the door because she screamed so fearfully and asked her if he could comfort her. Anna wasn't sure. When she awoke the room was always filled with angst and hatred and fear and her head was filled with pictures of Green and her body was still screaming. She did not want to mingle John with this mess but she saw that he was so lost and she decided that he could read something to her. It would calm her down and she loved his soft voice. That was the first thing she recognized when he arrived in Downton - his deep and calm voice. Perhaps it was the second thing she recognized. She would love forever the way his eyes smiled at her. They did not smile anymore. When she had fallen asleep John drank in her calm face and breath. It was like honey that soothed his parched throat. He tried to leave the room and often Anna would awaken and they would start again with reading. After some nights it got to be a comforting ritual and one night she touched his hand and he literally jumped and they both had to laugh a little. Anna said: "You can stay in the room. I like to smell you and to hear your breathe but you cannot lay besides me love. Not yet. I am so sorry." John's eyes smiled. He was so happy about that he could have kissed her. But there was no kissing, so he only smiled and after that he had a very uncomfortable but good night and Anna became much calmer. It gave her great comfort to have him near her and then one night she dreamt of John and awoke with hope in her heart. She waited two more nights and made a decision. She stood up. He was deeply asleep. Anna went to him in his chair and she sat down on the arm and watched him and there was a longing in her to kiss him once and so she did it and he whispered very softly: "Anna?" And she answered: "Come with me into our bed. It's so cold without you." He laid there on his side in the bed and he was so tired that he fell asleep quickly. In the morning he wanted to kiss her. It was an old habit from times so long gone now but she winced away. Anna woke up because of this, because of Green's kiss, she winced and in this moment she noticed it was John who had kissed her and said straightaway: "I am so sorry". He cried soundlessly in the bath and made himself ready for the day. They ate and walked in silence to the Abbey and this time they both welcomed a day full of work. When they came home John asked tiredly where he should sleep and Anna really didn't know and so they decided he would sleep in the living room and she in their bedroom. In the middle of the night she came downstairs and kissed him awake and said: "Come with me stranger. Do not try to kiss me, please, without my permission." This night John awoke with a scream and Anna had to comfort him and she kissed his tears away and Green was vanished but not forever. He came back again suddenly, when John kissed her sometimes it was as though Green's lips touched her again. In some moments it was only Green and in other moments it was at first Green, then she felt John, but afterwards it was again the hands of Green, who touched her. Everything could make him appear. She smelled John and in the next second Green's putrid smell was in her nose. Once she kissed John slightly on the stairs and then a door slammed and everything fell to pieces and she started to cry and couldn't stop. He could not comfort her. Mrs. Hughes made her some tea afterwards. She was so lucky nobody else had witnessed this scene. John took his coat and went for a walk and did not come back for an hour and nearly missed the dressing gong and when he came back he was brooding. He was hurt so badly and he wanted to hurt Green but more deeply he wanted her back. He missed her so much. He wasn't sure anymore if their love would be enough for all this pain. His love, his body, it seemed he could not comfort her at all. She was hurt and he could not find any medicine for her healing. Sometimes he wasn't even sure if he made it better.

Some changes only time can bring and some changes only Spring can bring again. Mrs. Hughes said once to John: *_"We all carry scars, Mr. Bates, inside or out. You're no different to the rest of us. Remember that."_ Anna and John both had more scars inside and out in these days than years before when they met downstairs. The worst part was to recognize that they could love each other so deeply but could not protect each other from the world.

She was kissing him. It was always these days this way around. He was too afraid to see her flinch again, to see the violation in her eyes. But this time something was different. He couldn't resist kissing her back and it wasn't a gentle kiss. He was passionate and hard and he couldn't stop and then he realized she did not want him to stop. Also Anna was kissing him passionately and with her whole body. John's body was burning and he did not force his lust down. He wanted her so much after all this time. They were standing in their bedroom, only once since that dreadful night had they kissed in this intimate room and he felt her hands unbutton his waistcoat. And he asked here: "Can I …" and Anna smiled in a shy way and answered: "Yes, I think, you can and I want you to do so my love." John's hands were trembling when he unbuttoned her blouse and Anna was breathing fast and hard. She tried to unbutton his shirt but couldn't figure it out. John took her hands, kissed her hands and they both started to cry. On her wedding night the sheets were also wet with tears but this time they both could not laugh. The last months weighed heavily on them. John kissed away her tears and she wiped away his and then he said: "My darling it is time for a hot chocolate for both of us." They both were smiling now. In the kitchen he lit the fire, boiled the milk and Anna was sitting there wrapped in a warm woolen blanket and watched her husband. She took the cake Mrs. Patmore had given her that evening, cut it in slices and ate the first mouthful. When the chocolate was ready they went into the living room – it was cold there and so they both got under the blanket. It was a spontaneous move and it felt good. They trusted each other still but there were so many moments when they could not rely on their knowledge about each others bodies and thoughts. So many things had changed and everything was in a wounded way new to them. John sipped some chocolate and Anna took a small slice of cake and he did not think about anything and just opened his mouth. Then he was realizing that this could be too much, but Anna smiled. Some crumbs were still on her finger and he gave his tongue free space to find them. Afterwards it was easy. Now they both found their buttons easily and she moaned. He came nearer and she could feel his demand and that was too much. She needed to be free and pushed him back. "I am so sorry Anna, I thought it's okay, please forgive me, I will not …" John stumbled. "Don't be so hard on yourself, everything is fine or at least it isn't. Before all that happened I was only happy to feel you. And I still like it but not when you are over me, but I think there will be another way." "Sorry love, I don't .. " but in this moment he did understand. She pushed him softly onto the sofa and Anna unbuttoned his trousers. Now he was lying on his back and his wife was lying over him. That was very new to both of them and new things are mostly difficult to get them right. But what you can do is explore, feeling to get to know each other better. And what he was feeling now was her demand. Her hard working thighs were strong on his body and they both felt warm, and hot and needing. Her mind was racing - dark thoughts, spring thoughts, Green thoughts, courtyard thoughts. She knew she stopped at a very unpleasant point but she did not stop kissing him. And the chocolate was cold again but the sweetness would stay with them some days.

Their week was packed with work and on the Saturday evening she fell asleep at once. John did not know if he shall wake her up because she was sleeping so calmly on the sofa. He went upstairs undressed himself and this night he dreamt of just much better days. Back then they both had two days off to get the cottage done and after they painted the whole cottage he kissed her full of hope and they both recognized that their new bedroom was wonderful in bright white and that they needed to explore it a little bit. She was so beautiful in the warm orange evening light. He never saw her before totally naked in the sunlight and he moaned back then and even now. John was awake and a little bit embarrassed because he did not want to wake Anna with his moaning and then he realized that she was awake already and with him in this room. He was a little bit distracted and said: "I am sorry Anna I didn't want to disturb you. I only had silly dreams." "I hope so my darling because I try to wake you up in the most delicate way I could think off." Anna thought, that would be the best for them the next time. He was sleeping and she could do whatever she wanted and stop whenever she wanted and there would be no rejection. There would be only dreams. And John said: "Do whatever you want sweetheart. I am still dreaming." Both of them did not sleep for the whole night and there was a new noise - a scream of sad joy.

_*Good riddance_, Mr. Green! … our promise? Very well, we will never again stop talking with each other and even if the world gets dim we will love each other whatever comes and we are trying not to lose our hope again.


End file.
